My journey is all about surrender. For me this means weakness and defeat. Just the mere thought of the word makes me feel chills creeping down my spine, sending extreme discomfort through my entire being. Surrendering feels like being pulled into an abyss of emptiness, of nothingness. I feel lost whenever I step into that space. That’s why I dread it. That’s why my mind has tricked me to avoid it every time I see an opportunity to surrender. I hate activities that entail meditation or focus because that makes me so vulnerable. I learned distraction as an escape because I do not want to be vulnerable. I’m afraid of judgment. I’m afraid I might not be able to adapt and live up to what is expected of me. That’s why I learned to make mediocre choices. That’s why I did not know who I really was.
My new experience of surrender still felt like falling into an abyss. But this time, it felt like being pulled by a force into the depths of my soul with my body responding to a rhythm that I could not resist.